At a very early age, I decided that I wanted to be a paleontologist. My parents were well aware that I was the sort of soft, round Indoor Child who was probably not well-suited to…
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A Brief Introduction to my Six-Year Blood Feud With C-3PO
In the spring of 2014, I attended the Calgary Comic and Entertainment Expo in Calgary, Alberta, partially because I am an enormous nerd, and partially because there is no sunscreen known to man or science…
How to Have a Good Time in Quarantine Even Though Everything is Terrible
Like most people on Planet Earth right now, I am currently in quarantine. According to the CDC and the World Health Organization, I have at least eight more days of sitting on the couch in…
Ask a Canadian if “Threatening to Move to Canada” is Right For You
Every time there is a major social or political change in the United States, the Internet floods with panicked Americans announcing that they are going to move to Canada. Many of these people know nothing…
A Field Guide to the Creatures of New York City, Chapter 1: Peanut Butter Girl
On a sunny Saturday in September, my boyfriend and I decided to take the N train from his apartment in Astoria, Queens, to Manhattan, to get some brunch in the city. Because God forbid we…
Tales from the Trenches of Tech Support Hell
The summer between my second and third year of university, I worked in the computer department of a big-box office supply store that happened to sell computers. This is a chain named after a tiny…
A Comprehensive (Though Certainly Not Exhaustive) List of the Terrible Things I’ve Done to my Brothers
I am the oldest of three siblings. After bringing me forth into the world in 1992, my parents failed to realize that they had already reached the Genetic Promised Land by creating the best possible…
How to Cause $3000 in Damages to a Dorm in a Single Night
Buckle up, kids, because we just passed the six-year anniversary of the time I caused more property damage to my university than the cumulative effects of Hurricane Sandy, and I am breaking my silence at…